Pickle
by fornwalt
Summary: Ichigo tells Rukia a white lie. And she believes him. That's where it all starts. Oneshot collection.
1. Pickle

A/N: A simple story, fun and happy. Well, for the most part. :)

* * *

**Pickle**

Rukia eyed the green thing sitting on her paper plate with curious interest. She followed Ichigo from the cafeteria to the roof, barely paying attention to where she was walking. All of her focus was on the vegetable before her. Ichigo held the door to get to the roof open, and it was a good thing he did, as she would have run right into it. He raised an eyebrow at her facial expression.

"Oi, what are you looking at, Rukia?" he followed her to the side of the roof, where she sat down in her usual spot. None of the other guys were there yet, as Ichigo and Rukia had beaten them getting lunch.

"What is this, Ichigo?" she gingerly picked up the green vegetable.

He almost burst out laughing, but he managed to reduce it to a smirk instead, "It's a pickle. Like a cucumber, only shriveled up more."

"Oh…" she had learned about cucumbers the previous week. As she brought it to her mouth to take a 'yes or no' bite, Ichigo realized that here was the perfect opportunity to have a little fun with her.

"You're not going to eat it, are you?" he demanded, face blank, eyes serious.

She blinked, once at the pickle and once at him, "Um, yes?"

Ichigo frowned, playing the part perfectly. He even added an alarming look in his eyes for extra convincing, "Pickles aren't meant to be eaten."

"Really?"

"Of course not," he scoffed as if it was obvious. "They're _alive_."

Rukia promptly dropped the pickle back on the plate, "What?"

"They're like goldfish, only they don't move very much. If you put them in a bowl of water, they'll stay perfectly still, and the minute they think you're not looking, they'll whirl around the bowl twice before falling still again," he folded his arms. "They do it once a day. They're very intelligent."

She stared at him inquisitively, but he kept a straight face, so she glanced back at the pickle, "So, why did they serve it for lunch?"

"Some kids complained about not having anything fun on the lunch menu a few years ago, so they added it on as an extra bonus. They only have them a few times a year," he grinned. "You're really lucky to have gotten one."

"So I have to put it in water?"

He was almost shaking with silent laughter by this point, but kept it mostly contained. His lips quirked upwards, "Just use your water bottle for now, and we'll put it in some water when we get back to my house."

Obediently, Rukia fished her water bottle out of her backpack and unscrewed the cap. She picked up the pickle and gently stuffed it into the bottle, twisting the top back on and holding the pickle-bottle up to her face. Her violet eyes scanned the green vegetable, floating in water, for any movement.

"Rukia-chan?" Mizuiro's voice drifted over to her, but she didn't look away from the pickle.

"Yes?"

The boy cocked his head, "Why are you staring at a pickle in a water bottle?"

"I'm waiting for it to move," she answered; almost smug that she was so savvy with the real world's vegetables.

Mizuiro glanced at Ichigo, whose face was lit up at the joke he was playing. He had lost control and was now trembling with laughter, grinning fiercely. Mizuiro sighed and looked back at Rukia.

"Rukia-chan, I think—"

"Rukia-san!" now Keigo's voice was heard, and he bounded over, glomping her. Ichigo's eyes momentarily darkened, but he didn't have to push the boy off of Rukia, as she kicked him off first.

"Don't disturb me, Keigo," she stated firmly. "I'm waiting for my pickle to move."

He beamed and sat down beside her, "Brilliant! I'll wait with you!" the two stared at the pickle; Rukia expectantly, Keigo stupidly. He would do just about anything to be accepted by Rukia.

Ichigo was rolling on the floor by now, but Chad walked up before Rukia could notice her orange-haired friend.

"Rukia-chan, what…?" the large teenager stared blankly at the petit girl and Keigo.

She continued to watch the little bubbles floating off the pickle towards the surface of the water, "Good afternoon, Chad. I'm watching my pickle. Ichigo said that if I watch long enough, it'll move, and that's very rare."

Chad glanced at Ichigo, but stayed silent. Mizuiro folded his arms and glanced at the rooftop door, where Ishida and Inoue were currently emerging. The Quincie held open the door for the redhead, and she thanked him before skipping over to the rest of them. Ishida cleared his throat and turned to hide the slight blush rising on his cheeks.

"Rukia-chan!" Inoue called, waving as she juggled her lunch. "What are you doing?"

"Waiting for my pickle to move," Rukia repeated, getting a bit irked at having to keep reiterating that statement.

Inoue blinked in confusion, then glanced at Ichigo, "I didn't know pickles moved…"

"They're alive," Rukia responded. "They don't move but once a day."

"Oh no!" Inoue gasped. "That means that I've killed hundreds of pickles in my lifetime! I have to perform a burial for them!" she frowned sadly.

Rukia nodded approval, still watching her pickle.

Ishida ambled over, pushing his glasses up farther on the bridge of her nose, "Pickles, alive? Are you insane? Pickles are vegetables; they aren't living."

"Ichigo said they were," Rukia stated, then froze, eyes narrowing. She looked away from the pickle at last, staring at Ichigo, who was laughing so hard his face was red from loss of oxygen. "Ichigo…" her voice held a cold warning.

"I … can't believe… you _believed_ me…!!!" he gasped, trying to get air and speak through his snickers.

Rukia stood up, face impassive, eyes hidden in the shadows of her bangs. Ichigo's laughing slowed to a stop, and he glanced up at Rukia's form, towering over him. He swallowed reflexively, shivering as the atmosphere suddenly got colder. The glare he received as she looked up was more than enough to slay a hundred hollows.

"Rukia-chan!" Keigo leapt up. "Don't be angry!"

She turned the glare on him, and he gulped and took off in the other direction. She didn't watch him go; her death threats were for Ichigo, and Ichigo alone. The boy in question had stood up, hoping to intimidate Rukia by using his height.

It didn't work. She still seemed to tower over him.

"Ichigo," she began slowly, fists clenched, her right hand tightening around the water bottle. "Your death will be _very_ painful," she grinned viciously.

Mizuiro laughed lightly, thinking it to be a joke, but Chad, Ishida, Inoue, and Ichigo knew better. The petit shinigami was deadly, and should be treated as such.

"Ichigo," Ishida muttered. "Beg for mercy if you know what's good for you."

Ichigo eyed Rukia nervously, beginning to inch towards the rooftop door, "Come on, Rukia. It was a harmless joke!"

"Your blood," her grin grew. "All over the streets of Soul Society."

Ichigo ran.

Rukia followed.

The pickle was the weapon.

* * *

A/N: Funny? Not worth your time? **Drop me a review!** I love to read what you think! (btw, the 'yes or no bite' is something that my parents made me do for the longest time. You know, when I didn't want to eat something that looked weird, they'd say "Take a yes or no bite", and if I didn't like it, I wouldn't eat it. For some reason, that never worked with broccoli, though...) 


	2. Names

A/N: Okay, I know I said it would be a oneshot, but this idea totally popped into my head today, and i just HAD to write it down. :) I decided that (should this happen again, which I'm not guaranteeing) I'll just make this a collection of oneshots that all kind of sort of relate to each other. If that made any sense at all. Either way, hope this one was as funny and mindless as the last chapter. :)

* * *

**Names**

Rukia emerged from the school building, stretching in the afternoon sun. Ichigo followed, glancing around in search of his friends. He noticed them and started over, leaving Rukia to jog slightly to catch up. Her two strides kept pace with his one, as became custom during the time they spent together.

"Rukia-chan! Ichigo-kun!" Inoue waved them over, beaming as usual. Keigo, Mizuiro, Ishida, and Chad were all huddled around a book that the bubbly redhead was holding. Well, Chad was more towering above Inoue's head, giving a new meaning to the phrase 'reading over your shoulder'.

Rukia smiled and waved slightly in return, "What are you guys doing?"

"Looking at this book," Inoue responded, holding it up for the two approaching teens to see. The title read The Big Book of Names, which was odd, being as the size of the book itself wasn't that large at all. "It has all of the names you've ever heard of, and their meanings."

Ichigo scoffed, "Those meanings are stupid. They're totally off base."

Ishida smirked competitively, "Are you saying that because you believe it, or because _your _name has a bad meaning, and you're embarrassed about it?"

"Probably the second one, knowing Ichigo," Keigo cried out and clutched his head as Ichigo's fist made contact. The orange-haired teen snorted and thrust his hands in his pockets.

"They're just stupid. C'mon, Rukia, let's go."

But Rukia didn't budge. She was looking at the book with curiosity, clearly debating on whether or not she wanted to know what _her_ meaning was. Inoue noticed her hesitation.

"Let's look up your name, Rukia-chan! It can't hurt," she pointed out, already flipping through the pages to the 'R' section. Ichigo rolled his eyes, but made no move to leave. After a moment of scanning the page, Inoue frowned.

"It's not in here…" she murmured, clearly put out. Ichigo laughed and leaned down to Rukia's ear.

"That's because you're so _old_ that everyone's forgotten your name."

A moment later, Ichigo was on the pavement, with Rukia sitting on his back, holding both arms in a secure lock. She tugged them hard, making him wince in pain, "Say that I'm _old_, will ya?!" she exclaimed, showing no mercy.

Chad put a hand on her shoulder, playing the role of peacemaker, "Rukia-chan, it wouldn't be wise to break his arms. You know how bad of a mood that would put him in."

She sighed and let go, climbing off. In an instant, Ichigo towered over her, amber eyes glinting dangerously. Her own violet ones met his gaze easily, and while they had a staring contest, Inoue mused to herself:

"I wonder what Ichigo-kun's name means…" accompanied with the sound of pages flipping.

"No!" Ichigo snatched the book from her.

"Yes!" Rukia snatched the book from him. She bounded out of reach, opening the book and searching for his name amongst the thousands of others. He chased her, oblivious to the fact that the more he tried to keep anyone from finding out the definition, the more everyone wanted to know what it was. Finally, after a minute of this game of tag, Rukia stopped triumphantly, almost getting bowled over by Ichigo.

"Strawberry!" she yelled, laughing so hard her face turned as red as the afore-mentioned fruit. "Your name means _strawberry_!"

Ishida smirked ("Fitting, for him."), Inoue started giggling, Keigo snorted, Mizuiro shook his head, and Chad's mouth quirked on one side. Ichigo fumed angrily, glaring at the petite shinigami before him.

"Yeah, so what? Your name wasn't even _in_ the book!" he exclaimed lamely, snatching his backpack and storming off towards his house. Rukia, still snickering, gave the book back to Inoue and ran after him.

* * *

A week later, Ichigo was hanging out at his house after school. He wandered into the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of water, popping the cap and taking a chug. He glanced at the clock and realized that it was already four o'clock: Yuzu and Karin should have been home by now. He noted that the house had been awfully quiet since he had gotten back and Rukia had disappeared into Karin and Yuzu's room, where she currently bunked. Normally by now Yuzu was watching the cooking channel while trying to decide what to make for dinner, Karin was shouting about how she'd be back before the sun set and taking off towards the soccer fields, and Rukia was groaning about how she didn't understand any of the homework her teachers gave her. Isshin usually didn't pop up in the house until around dinnertime, after spending most of the day in the clinic. 

He took another swig of the water before starting out of the kitchen, planning on perusing the house until he found someone to question about the plaguing silence. He searched the downstairs—everywhere but the clinic; he did _not_ want to deal with his father at that moment—and started upstairs. His door was the first one on the left, and he decided to make a stop in there to see if maybe Rukia had missed his closet enough to go back and visit.

His door was closed, which was odd, but he shrugged it off as a product of Yuzu's cleaning. He gripped the doorknob and opened the door, taking a step into his room as he drank another sip of water. It had barely touched his tongue when it was spit out all over his floor, soaking into the thin carpet and leaving a wet spot. Ichigo ignored it, as he was too busy gaping in horror at his newly redone room. A pause, then, "RUKIA!!!"

Not missing a beat, the said girl skipped into the room, stopping beside him, "Yes, Ichigo?" she asked innocently, flipping her raven hair behind her shoulder.

Ichigo pointed frantically at his room, "You! You were the one who did this… _this_ monstrosity?!"

Rukia didn't even have to glance at the room to know what he was talking about. She had, after all, done it—and with expert taste, she would have added. The walls had been covered in red construction paper, cut into the shape of a familiar fruit. A new bedspread—which was actually just a sheet of fabric cut into the shape and size of his own blanket—angelically covered the bed, designed with that horrid fruit pattern. His desk had multiple statues, each of this fruit. One was of two of those… _things_… dancing in high heels. Another was a city. And yet another was given a face, smiling mockingly at him. Even the windows had those gooey things that stuck onto glass, modeling this fruit for the world to see.

But the worst part of all was the banner above the window, proudly displaying the words 'Take that, Strawberry!'.

Ichigo noticed it and cringed, "What the hell did I ever do to you?" he demanded.

"Well, let's see…" Rukia held up her fingers, ready to count, but Ichigo cut her off.

"How did you _do_ all this?!"

Rukia smirked as he clearly panicked over the state his room was in, "I had your sisters' help, of course."

And just as he was about to strangle her, the twins walked in as well. Yuzu beamed at him, and Karin put one hand on her hip, smirking.

"Do you like it, Onii-chan?" Yuzu chirped.

Ichigo narrowed his eyes, sent Rukia daggers, and gave one last glance at the decorations, "I want all _this_ out of my room." he seethed. He would have killed Rukia for this, but he couldn't do such a thing when his sisters were present. A grin spread on his face as he realized what he _would_ do, though. Revenge would be sweet.

"Ichigo, guess what's for dinner?" Karin said slyly, and all three girls laughed at the disgusted look on his face.

* * *

Ichigo waited until Rukia walked through the front door to moan from his position on the couch. He heard her taking off her shoes, and coughed for good measure. 

"Suck it up, moron," she stated. "It was almost lunch; couldn't you have made it through the day instead of leaving early?"

He coughed again, "No…" he muttered, voice cracking. "I feel horrible…"

Rukia scoffed but said no more, heading over to him. She deposited her backpack beside the stairs before taking a seat in the chair adjacent to the couch, "Are you going to school tomorrow?"

"Probably…" he closed his eyes, playing the part perfectly.

Her own violet eyes glinted concern, but she wasn't about to admit her worry to this bonehead. Instead, she realized that he didn't feel like talking and stood up, grabbing her backpack and starting up the stairs.

"Well, if you need anything, I'll be in your sisters' room. Just call, and I'll come down," she said, trying to sound nonchalant.

Ichigo almost told her not to go, but he remembered the state of his room the previous week and his resolve was set, "Okay…" he croaked.

Her footsteps disappeared, and he counted down the moments until she would scream. It was inevitable, once she saw what he had done to her room while she was at school, what he had done while he was home 'sick'. Yuzu and Karen wouldn't hear the scream; they didn't get back from school for another hour. Isshin was at a conference, temporarily closing the clinic. It was just Ichigo and Rukia now…

He held up three fingers, counting down. Just as he hit one, a loud shrill sounded throughout the house, echoing in every room. He could just imagine her face as she saw all of the pickles, each one put inside a water bottle, strewn about the room. This time, the banner read 'See if they move'.

"ICHIGO!!!" Rukia roared.

And down on the couch, with his eyes closed, pretending to be sick, Ichigo allowed himself a grin at a job-well-done.

* * *

A/N: Done. :) Hope you liked that. I giggled a bit at it. Now that we've cleared the second-chapter hurdle, there may be more oneshots to come in this 'story'. Or there may not be. That all depends on your **reviews**. :) (hint hint)

PS: Ichigo might have thought it was a good thing to be alone when he played this prank, but there's one thing he didn't think of... no witnesses. :P


	3. Height

A/N: OMG another update! :) Hope you didn't get too impatient waiting for another chapter. Anyway, I started writing another chapter to this collection of oneshots, but decided it was crap halfway through and wrote this chappie instead. Enjoy!

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**Height**

Rukia had reached her limit. She could normally handle a fair amount of pain (pain-in-the-asses included), but this was getting to be too much. Every time she had a question, every time she wanted to get her two cents in, every single freaking time she felt the need to reprimand Ichigo for his constant stupidity, she had to look _up_. And her neck couldn't take much more.

"Damn you, Ichigo!"

The said boy blinked in confusion and glanced at the girl beside him. It wasn't like he had said anything to set her off. Hell, he wasn't even _talking _to her.

"What's wrong, Rukia-chan?" Inoue cocked her head, peering at her friend.

Rukia clenched her fists, her violet eyes alight with fury, "Why the _hell_ are you so damn tall?! It hurts every time I have to look at you!"

"Probably for more reasons than one," Ishida couldn't resist jabbing the orange-haired teenager, what with Rukia providing such a nice opening and all.

Ichigo ignored the Quincy, turning to face her full out, folding his arms, "Listen, it's not _my_ fault you're so tiny, Rukia."

"I'm not tiny! You're just overly tall!"

Now Ichigo was starting to get into the debate, sensing a time to one-up the shinigami, "Look around for me, will you?" he asked calmly, though a fierce grin spread across his face.

Caught off guard by the request—though for everyone else it was painfully obvious to see where Ichigo was headed—Rukia complied. She lowered her gaze from his face and trailed over the remaining friends: Chad, Ishida, and Inoue.

"Freeze!"

She froze.

"Now, ladies and gentlemen," Ichigo turned to his audience. "Direct your attention to my hand." He waved his right hand, and then flattened it and put it about a foot away from Rukia's face, parallel with the ground and even with where her nose would have been, had she not been looking up. As everyone watched, he brought it up about another four inches, to where Rukia's nose _really _was. "As you can see by this demonstration, Rukia is required to look up about a third a foot to meet even Inoue's eyes. Now, if Inoue will look at one of us, we'll make comparisons."

Inoue looked surprised about being called on, and timidly raised her own eyes to meet Ishida's, who blushed slightly and cleared his throat. Ichigo ignored their little exchange, swiftly performing the same procedure with the redhead.

"Inoue only has to look about an inch. So," he clapped his hands in accomplishment, smiling smugly at the fuming raven-haired girl, "as you can clearly see, simply by doing the math, you—Rukia—are _short_."

Rukia didn't need to be tall to punch him in the head.

As Ichigo recovered and turned to watch her stalk off, Chad frowned, "Maybe that was a bit harsh."

"Eh," Ichigo shrugged nonchalantly. "She needs to learn sometime."

* * *

The next weekend, the group decided to pay a visit to Keigo and Mizuiro, who had managed to get jobs at the local amusement park as ride operators. About and hour after arriving, Ichigo managed to pull Rukia away from Inoue and Ishida—who were watching Chad win for a third time at the strength-tester—to spend some 'quality time' with the shinigami. She beamed at him.

"This car-a-vil is really fun!" Rukia kept pace with Ichigo easily, finishing up the last of her cotton candy.

He glanced down at her, "It's 'car_nival_', actually, but I'm glad you're having a good time." _Because you won't be soon._

"Whatever. I want to ride on that big round thing!" she pointed to the Ferris wheel. Ichigo grinned.

"Whatever you want."

By the time they reached the Ferris wheel, Rukia was—put simply—stoked. She bounced up and down the whole time they were in line, and when they finally reached the front, she was too busy gaping at the size of the wheel to notice Keigo sneak up and put a sign beside the entrance. Then they walked forward to get on, but Ichigo held out his arm to stop her.

"Oh, sorry, Rukia," he stated somberly. "You can't get on this ride—you're not tall enough."

"What?!" Rukia turned to face the sign he was pointing at, and she glared as she realized what he said was true—her head fell _just_ below the height requirements, measured by a dinosaur with gloved hands. "Who the hell decided that?"

"Federal regulation," Ichigo supplied, pulling her out of line. "Let's try the roller coaster."

Behind them, Keigo grabbed the sign and took off, wondering if he really _was_ helping Rukia-chan with her fear of heights, like Ichigo had said he would be.

Another hour later, Rukia was in a sour mood. She had been too short for the roller coaster. Then, surprisingly, she was also too short for the drop tower, the giant swings, the top-spin, and even the goddamn tilt-a-whirl. And Rukia was _not_ pleased about that fact.

"What the hell _am_ I allowed to ride, then?" she demanded angrily, loudly enough that a mother with two impressionable toddlers gave her a fierce glare.

Ichigo chuckled, "The teacups," he gestured towards the spinning plastic cups, where little kids ages five to eleven were screaming with joy and fear as the attendant gave every seat a good push when it rode by.

Just then, Ishida and Inoue joined Rukia and Ichigo, with Inoue smiling brightly and clutching a stuffed bear. At Ichigo's curious glance, Ishida smirked smugly, "I won at the archery table."

"What's wrong, Rukia-chan?" Inoue was the first to notice the raven girl's downcast face.

"I'm not tall enough to ride anything in this stupid place," Rukia folded her arms bitterly.

"Don't be absurd," Ishida surveyed her. "You're tall enough. They only use height restrictions for little kids, most averaging around three feet."

Rukia blinked, "But then, how come I couldn't—" She froze, jerking her head over to look up at her laughing companion. Everything clicked into place, and she narrowed her eyes dangerously. "Looks like the pickle's coming back out."

Ichigo's face paled.

* * *

Rukia let him live, but only so that he could fully appreciate her revenge.

It came suddenly, one day after school, smacking Ichigo full force. Literally.

"What the hell?" he cried, clutching his bruised forehead. "Who put this stupid board here?"

Karin—who had been keeping Ichigo occupied while Rukia worked—shrugged and surveyed the doorframe, where a regular two by four had been attached with very strong Velcro, acting like an extra extension to the ceiling, "Who knows? Could be dad. He's crazy—you know that."

"Dad's out of town today!" Ichigo seethed.

Karin shrugged again and walked inside, fitting quite nicely underneath the board. Ichigo grumbled again and ducked under it as well, straightening once he was in the safety of his living room. The front door closed behind him, and the board—which had been attached on the opposite side of the doorframe, so as not to stop the door from opening and closing—mocked him all the way to the kitchen.

Yuzu smiled, "Welcome home, Ichi-nee." She was cooking dinner: stew, from the looks of the vegetables strewn about.

"Yeah," he huffed, grabbing an apple from a bowl on the counter. With a casual wave, he left the kitchen, biting into the fruit. By the time he had made it up the stairs, he had completely forgotten about the mysterious board.

Which turned out to be a mistake, because another one knocked him to the ground before he could set a foot inside his bedroom. He cried out, more in anger and frustration than pain, and tore the board off of his doorframe. Then he entered his room and slammed the door shut.

But the boards continued popping up. One was in the kitchen when he went for dinner. Another took up residence just outside the bathroom, appearing sometime while he took a shower. And he fell for the one on his bedroom doorframe more than twice. The tricky part about the boards, however, was that there could be an empty door one moment, and the minute he turned away and back again, there one was, ready to reopen the now-bleeding wound on his forehead. But never before had he been forced to duck under doorways, and—he was finding out the hard way—it was a difficult habit to break in to.

Finally, when he couldn't take it anymore, he barreled into Karin and Yuzu's room, where Rukia had—according to the twins themselves—holed herself up to study for the approaching math test. She looked at the doorway when he arrived, and didn't even bother concealing her triumphant smile at his glinting eyes.

"Yes, Ichigo? Can I help you?"

"You can damn well help me!" he threw a board at her, and she instinctively caught it, her violet eyes now mocking him as well. "Why do these boards keep popping up in every damn doorway?!"

Rukia shrugged, "I don't know," she replied, too innocently. "But it sure must suck to be tall, huh, strawberry?"

* * *

A/N: I even brought in the last two chappies! Yay for connections! :D Please review if you liked this chapter! (I thought it was amusing)


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